The Unsexy Bikini

It defies sexual logic but here’s what I think — women in swimsuits, even in bikinis, are not very sexy at all.

Having spent the last two days at the beach and the pool, I can say that, yes, I still look. I find myself constantly scanning the crowd for that scintillating woman, for the curve of breast, the supple ass with the wet suit barely covering it. It’s just a habit.  I’m looking for flesh and curves and sex, something erotic and hot, but what I find instead is more akin to a cardboard representation of it. And being the way I am, I have to scratch my head and wonder why that is. Why doesn’t a bevy of scantily-clad women turn me on? What is it about swimsuits that just doesn’t do it?

It could be the sheer quantity, I suppose. Maybe my male response pattern just gets overwhelmed and quits, like a squirrel with a gallon bucket of peanut butter who at some point has to stop eating.

I think it’s this, though. Women at the beach or pool are doing nothing in particular. At least, nothing in particular for me. It’s really the oddest slice of life, when you think about it — here we are, all just walking around half-naked in front of each other, doing nothing in particular, relaxing.

Thing is — it’s not the body that’s sexy, it’s the interaction — even if it’s just the fantasy of an interaction. And there is absolutely none there.

Contrast this with being with a woman who is slathering you with sunscreen, slowly, with some obvious pleasure in the way the cream slides over your skin. Obvious pleasure because she knows you, maybe even loves you. You might even feel her wanting you then. If you weren’t totally exposed there in your tiny swimsuit yourself, you might actually get a bit of an erection going.

Or contrast this with — yes — the February swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated. The reason men find these particular bikini-clad women sexy has nothing to do with what they’re wearing (or not wearing). Or rather, it’s not just that. It’s that the models are engaging with you, the audience (the camera), in a way that one can easily fantasize as an interaction. She’s looking so unlike any woman you ever see at the beach, not because she’s stunning but because she’s saying — I want you. I want you to come into this picture and touch me. I’m here for you. Notice also that there’s only one model in each of these pictures. Imagine if there were 25 of them in the picture, all looking at the camera (you) like they want you to touch them. A little overwhelming, right? A little creepy and unreal, right? Or imagine the same 25 women, all doing just what women normally do at the beach — nothing in particular, ignoring you. Not gonna get your rocks off on that tableau either, are you?

A woman doesn’t go to the pool wearing her next-to-nothing swimsuit in hopes of getting laid. If she wants that, she doesn’t go to a pool (unless it’s her private one), and she’ll wear much more. She’s not there trying to turn you on. She’s not trying to be sexy, or alluring. She just wants to feel good about the way she looks and to be comfortable. And even though it’s all T&A, it’s not sex that’s on display. It’s basic health.

So I will continue to follow the sway of those hips, and trace the contour of breasts inside those tiny suits, but it’s not much more exciting for me than the study of basic anatomy.

About David

Prone to musing and to being prone. Father to two, writer, engineer.
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3 Responses to The Unsexy Bikini

  1. alphabetfiend says:

    I’m loving the return of the 50’s style pin-up girl marilyn-esque bikini… with the higher bottoms that show just a little slice of belly and curve around the booty more modestly and yet, I think, more alluringly. Not alot of women are wearing that shape in swimwear but I’m happy to see it on the market again. I’m lusting after a leopard print (orange & electric blue) DVF retro bikini that costs an outrageous $300 but damn it’s hot!

    • gammaword says:

      It occurs to me that it’s also about how one wears it that counts. Maybe what I’m seeing/reflecting is something uniquely suburban — maybe just sensing the blase under the suit. I say this as I’m imagning anybody here wearing the suit you describe (what’s DVF, btw?) — I just can’t picture it. Which says something.

  2. alphabetfiend says:

    Diane Von Furstenburg, a designer. I’ll get a pik to you but in the mean time, picture old beach shots of Marilyn or Betty Paige, as they frolic in the waves. That kinda suit but gaudier.

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