One-handed men

This is absolutely not about what you think it’s about. In fact, it really doesn’t belong on this blog at all, but so what. I’m taking a short detour, apropos of nothing.

I’ve often wondered what’s going on with men who pee with one hand. I’ve never actually asked anyone who’s doing it, of course. And it’s not anything that keeps me awake at night, but still, the question lingers. It’s always struck me as kind of insoucient, the way a guy will stand there, sometimes with his free hand on his hip, looking sort of relaxed and carefree. I would like for someone to explain how it is possible to do this, but I have my theories.

First, even though I’ve never worn anything but tight hip briefs, I understand that there may be some underwear variations at work here. Either he’s wearing boxers, or some other kind of underwear I can’t imagine, or none at all. How else to explain the willful disregard of the spandex that threatens to snap out of your control at any second and cause you to pee in wild, unanticipated directions such as on your face or on the shoes of the guy standing next to you.  I mean, job #1 is hitting the target, and not just part of the time. You don’t want to be the one who makes the yellow stains on those stupid rugs that go directly around the toilet, although god knows that must be what they’re for. 

While I’m talking targets — ever notice that there are guys who are splashers, and then there are us silent types? The splashers shoot into the deep water of the toilet. Either they like to make lots of noise, or they like the bubbles, or they’re just too lazy to aim any better. (Sometimes I do it for a change of pace, and if you let your imagination go, it’s like the Oracle of Delphi — talking water). On the other hand, we silent types are all about finesse. We shoot for the area just above the waterline in the back of the toilet and keep it there as long as the pressure holds. In my case, I learned the technique out of embarrassment when I was a kid because I didn’t want anyone to hear me peeing.

Anyway — back to the one-handers. Maybe somehow, throughout his entire life, the guy avoided ever experiencing what I like to call the runaway firehose, and so he’s never thought to worry about it.  It’s one of those things that when it happens, you’re two-handed for life — one hand deals with the spandex, and the other aims. Everything under control, no mishaps.

Another possibility is that — well, think about it — his penis is so long that even if the underwear snaps back, there’s enough clearance that he’ll be able to keep peeing in the same general direction. This would also help to explain that insoucient, manly pose.

Anyway…just wondering.

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About David

Prone to musing and to being prone. Father to two, writer, engineer.
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5 Responses to One-handed men

  1. alphabetfiend says:

    “This would also help to explain that insoucient, manly pose.” hahhhahahha too funny

  2. gammaword says:

    Ah, the hole! I forgot all about that possibility. I always wondered if that was just for, I don’t know, ventilation or something. Never used the hole back in the day (when I was a child) wearing tighty whiteys. Always seemed like extra effort to try to fish it out through there and then put it back.

  3. gammaword says:

    OK, bank vault?? Bet the security guys who monitor the vault enjoyed that one!

  4. alphabetfiend says:

    As a babe, living way up in the New Mexico mountains, very isolated, I’d watch my Dad stagger to the porch and piss into the sage brush rather than walk to the outhouse. So for many years, I used to pee standing up, hips thrust out, and from what I hear I had amazing enviable aim. I’ve wanted to see if I’ve still got it but am wary of finding out that I don’t. I’ve even been tempted to go drag king and check out the men’s bathroom but my friend Tina sez “There’s not enough ace bandage in the world for that, my love!”

    Still…

    • gammaword says:

      You know, when I lived in Northampton, back when women were womyn, I heard stories about women who could do that, and to this day I just can’t understood how that’s possible. (And I’m not asking). But if you’ve got it — well, the lines are much shorter at the men’s room, for one thing. Though of course the smell is probably worse. I guess there’s a certain type of man who’s homophobic towards someone who’s perceived to be a lesbian, but I think that’s far less common than the homophobia towards gay men.

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